When it's almost time to clock out...

What do you do?

Do you pack up early and mingle with the coworkers until 5pm? Do you get yourself organized for the next day? Do you work feverishly to get all of your tasks done from that day’s to do list?

You know when it’s time to go home. For most it’s 5pm. You can manage your work throughout the day to ensure you get things done, or at least get yourself ready to complete them on the next. You know how long you have.

Let’s think about other work that is to be done. You’ve promised someone (your parent, spouse, roommate, landlord) that you will have such and such fixed/cleaned up/whatever before they get back. But they didn’t tell you when that would be. I think it’s foolish then to waste time because you don’t know how long you have to work.

Isn’t our time here, in general, the same thing?

Yeah, you saw that one coming…

I’ve wasted so much time. I feel like I have, anyway. I don’t mean to. And maybe I haven’t really wasted as much time as I think I have, it’s just that I’m pretty hard on myself and I always feel like I could be doing more.

What is my task? What work am I assigned? First of all, my work is to share the name of Christ and who He is. To encourage believers and love the non believers and to befriend the ones who ride the fence.

But specifically what is my task? I have been in doubt over this for a long time and I prayed about it some more last night. I was impressed that my task is to be an encourager and supporter of my husband and the ministry he does. It’s to be a servant and friend for the church community to which I belong and I love with all my heart. It’s to be open about my faith to coworkers and strangers I meet.

But, God, doesn’t that seem sort of …insignificant? It just feels small, to me. (that’s what I told Him in my prayer)

“Well Yeah”, I felt a reply, or a feeling in my heart, “small doesn’t mean insignificant though.”

I just heard a teaching about the widow who gave money in the temple. They equaled a little less than a penny, but it was all she had. The coins were light and thin so surely it didn’t make much of a sound in the ol’ tithe box in the temple court of women. No one noticed, except for Jesus. He said she had given more than anyone else had, put together! That makes me feel a little better.

I’m not a foreign missionary, I’m not being persecuted, I don’t have a degree in theology, I don’t write music or preach sermons. I just do what I feel like I should do, which is to encourage and love. Sometimes I think it’s not enough, but that widow was dear to Jesus because of her heart not because of how big of a donation she gave. This isn’t about money, ok? It’s about action. But God reminded me last night that being a servant and realizing that everything I have belongs to God is important. Give, love, share, repent, forgive….now those are big things to Him.

I’m still trying to understand it myself, the truth here brings tears to my eyes because I’m humbled that He still loves me. After all my sin, my rotten attitudes, my gossip, and other things I’m ashamed to admit. I’ve confessed them all to Him and proclaimed repentance.

Sometimes I don’t say that I have repented because I’m worried I’ll fail and go back to it. But I can’t live in that mindset! That is human and it’s frail. But in Christ I am strong in heart and I can repent of the sin, that is not to go back to those ways. In Christ, I’m not just one that can achieve my goal, but I am MORE than a conqueror. (yeah all you Seraph fans out there are humming the tune) But so did I after my prayer proclaiming that I am repenting.

My sense of urgency came quickly, as most urgent matters do. Now, let me say first, that I have always had a sense that my time here could be up. It’s almost on a daily and nightly basis that I am mindful of Christ’s return. I’ve felt this way nearly my whole life and I’m very glad for it. It keeps me thinking on Him. I’m not scared of it, I’m excited. But nervous at the same time because (here we go again) I want more time since I feel I haven’t done enough work. I really do feel like there’s more work to be done. My task isn’t over, there are still people who need Jesus, who need Living Water and the Bread of Life.

I want more time to know His name here before I see Him there. (there’s my Narnia reference for the day)

I’m not trying to be the man on the side of the road with a sharpie and a sign that says The End is Near, but I’m not going to say he’s wrong. A few things Jack (our teacher at Mars Hill) shared with us last night really stirred my heart to action, more than before.  Read Mark chapter 13 to get your bearing and probably like me you won’t really understand it, but it’ll get your attention anyway. He shares with His disciples how the world will know the end is here. He also gives a hint as to when His return will be (which is before the end). He states no one can know the day or time. However I believe one can deduce “about the time” as in generation time. You will want to go to the website for People of Mars Hill, the link is to the left under my favorite links and go to the podcast for August 10. He explains in better detail, but basically the generation that will see the return of Christ will be the same generation of the newly established Israel (which is referred to as a fig tree in Mark). “In 1947, the United Nations approved the partition of Palestine into two states, one Jewish and one Arab. The Arab League rejected the plan, but on May 14, 1948, theJewish provisional government declared Israel's independence.” (from wikipedia) That was 60 years ago. The average lifespan of the society in Israel is like America’s 77-78 years.

Take from that what you may, I’m not totally relying on what I’m taught at church, even though I find Jack Hester to be a credible source of knowledge and study. But I’m reading it myself over and over again, comparing that scripture to Old Testament scriptures and trying to draw my own conclusions. If that is the case and Christ could return at any time in the next few years, it’s fine with me. I’m glad to go with Him. Even though I know my heart is in His hands, I still tell Him that I want Him to take me when He returns. I want to be with Him, I want to fellowship with my friends and family in heaven. I want to be rid of these sinful desires, to see hate, war and poverty. I want to be done with mean thoughts and a hard attitude. This internal battle has gotten really old and I want to be done with it.

But like I said before, I want more time here. I want to work some more and I want to work harder.

A few things I've learned

So, Friday night and Saturday were pretty rough. I was pretty emotional, but I don't think I let it show much. I know I was quiet and distant, but Brad was very patient with me and just let me deal with it all. He did give me great encouraging words, and still is. Friday night he told me that I should read Philippians. There are very challenging words in those four chapters. I've decided to re read it over and over and over. There are too many things in there that I still need to learn and put into practice.
So, with this whole job thing...
I'm working hard trying to get my resume out and set up interviews and such, but it's a slow process. My first concern about that isn't whether I can find a job or not, it's whether I can find a job that I liked as much as what I just had. I don't want to drive to other side of Mobile either. I've been miserable before and I don't want that again. But I have prayed that if there is a specific place He wants me, and it's not my ideal job, that He'll give me the grace to handle it. I know that everything doesn't revolve around me, but I also know that to seek happiness isn't always a selfish venture. There's a balance and I believe it comes from motive and attitude. I understand that God wants me somewhere else. I still have no clue where, so I am praying for direction and discernment.
I need to use this as a great learning opportunity. On Saturday when I was leaving the campus from cleaning out my desk, the thought occurred to me that in all things God is seeking to teach us. I said out loud, "This is not how I want to learn a lesson of faith." Oh well. I'm learning it anyway! And now I'm learning with joy and expectation. I'm beginning to look forward to what happens next. Yeah, I'm nervous because job seeking just makes me nervous. You know...the whole interviewing and follow up calls and waiting for "the phone call" just make me nervous. 

Well, I had a lot more to say today, but now my mind is wandering in a bunch of directions and I need to get ready to be somewhere. I'll be back later when the words occur to me again.

Yes, life has thrown has a curve ball.

Brad said it's more like a different play call, than a curve ball.

Two days ago, one hour before time to knock off for the weekend, I was called into the office of the VP of Business Affairs, who is my boss. He regrettably told me that my job was one of several that had been eliminated. UM doesn't have the student body to support the current functions of the school and restructuring was one answer to the problem.

I had no clue it was coming. I knew cuts were being made, but my job is kinda important, and I didn't make much anyway, so surely it wouldn't be mine. The thought never even occurred to me. So, needless to say I lost it. Not in the office, I asked to be excused, walked outside, called my husband and cried. He told me to just come on home. I did.

I went back Saturday morning, made a copy of my resume, cleaned out my desk and took a look around. I'm really going to miss it. I'm more heartbroken than anything because I loved being there so much. Sure, the job wasn't all that challenging. But I loved being there. I loved my coworkers, I loved the atmosphere there. All good things (except for Christ's love) come to an end.

So I'm just going to have to start over. I've already sent my resume to one source, I am interviewing tomorrow. I'm currently inquiring on three other jobs as well. I have learned mounds in the past three days that I will share later tonight. There's just too much in my head right now. So please come back for the next post. In short, I will say this:

My husband is wonderful.
My friends are such an encouragement.
My family is supportive.
My God is so good.

Our Small Group Meeting

We had a great night of discussion with our small group. We had 10 people, including Brad and I. I made some cupcakes as well. They were dark chocolate with buttercream and I topped them with bright blue sprinkles. This dark chocolate cake recipe is one I've used so many times, it's one of my favorites.

We got on a discussion later in the evening concerning Luke 4:28-30.
Jesus speaks in the synagogue in His hometown and reveals that he has fulfilled a prophesy. The crowd gets all riled up and you can read below what happens:
28) All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. 29) They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. 30) But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.
I've always just thought that since this wasn't the time, place or method for Jesus to die, the people were miraculously subdued and Jesus passed through the crowd and went on His way. One person from last night's group said he had thought Jesus made Himself invisible and walked through the crowd to avoid the uprising. I mean, to me, the scripture could go either way. It made for an interesting conversation for sure. The word "through" is another of one our languages ambiguous terms. In later scriptures, after Jesus' resurrection, He "walks through" a wall. But He can also "walk through" a crowd, which doesn't mean he passes through a person, necessarily. It's debatable, for sure and I may need to find a reference that relates to the Greek language, concerning this passage for further insight.

Something else we spoke on at the end of the discussion was something Jack (our teaching pastor) had said. "I need to view myself as God sees me, not as I see myself". Um, okay, that shouldn't be too hard :rolls eyes: . I can be very negative and hard on myself, because I know what goes on in my head, I know the emotions I have, I know the things I say and do. I know that God understands, fully, those things as well, but He still trusts that I can carry out His will and make a representation of His Son to the world. That's a very heavy idea for me. It's humbling, for sure, but also frustrating. How can I do it?
To follow Christ is an ongoing experience. From the initial acceptance to our final breath, we undergo a continuous process. We are always learning, always sharpening, always growing. At least, we should. I do have lulls in my life where I feel as if I've hit a plateau, but the desire is always there to be more and do better. I want to make my Father proud. I don't think I've quite done that yet, overall. I know I have done things in His name, for His purpose and given Him the glory for it. Those things do make Him proud. But I've also displayed a rotten attitude, and abandoned compassion for others. This must disappoint Him.
I don't really know what He sees, exactly. So I'm not sure where to go with this one.
I do know that I can take this from that statement: I should see other people, the way God sees them. Because I know myself, it's difficult to imagine what a perfect God would view, but I can estimate His perspective on someone else, if that makes sense. I think keeping that in focus would create a different relationship dynamic in my life. I'm still there in completely understanding all this, but like I said it is a process. Time itself does not make progress, but it is God working in my life as I receive the grace to accept it and put it into practice.

In other news, I am making a new meal tonight: Vegetable Lasagna Rolls. Brad and I are going to visit some friends of ours who have recently welcomed their first child into the world. I'm looking forward to seeing them. I hope the dish turns out great. If it does, I will post the recipe.

Chicken Soup for the Fearful Soul

I must confess, I am usually the first to look down upon fluff. No, not the marshmallowy goodness you slather between two pieces of bread with a handsome spoonful of peanut butter. I'm talking about surfaced-spiritual-milk-fluff. I do own a few daily devotional books, however I've hardly ever cracked them. They were mostly gifts.


Every Friday my workplace has a tradition. Working on a rotation, we ladies bring breakfast for everyone and leads the group in a devotion. We have quite a few on the list, so the responsibility is required every over month or so. I have enjoyed this time, but mostly so I can sample others' recipes. I really don't care for a 5 minutes devotion on a verse that's probably taken out of context or is extremely surfaced. I don't care for sappy stories about children of dying mothers wanting to buy a pair of shoes, or a couple who can find enjoyment while splitting a can of beans for their Christmas dinner. Give me something I've never heard before! Illuminate the scriptures to me so I am contemplating on the words through the day.
THAT is my exact attitude going into most devotions. (I really hope my coworkers don't find offense to this. It's nothing personal, I'm just picky.) It's a rotten attitude, I think. I've always felt that way, I don't like that I go into a setting like this with an expectation that I'm going to be bored to tears. I really should give everyone and their material of choice a chance. So, to those of whom this concerns, I apologize.
I really am going somewhere with this.
Today was my turn to lead devotion. Usually I use this opportunity to enlighten others about profound things I have learned while at my church, The People of Mars Hill. I usually bring up some Levitical tradition that has never really been studied heavily in your normal Southern Baptist Church. Last night I decided to pick up a devotional book of mine, along with my Bible, and thumb through it. I looked up May 2. It reads:

God's Complete Protection
Nothing that Satan can do to you should cause you to fear (2 Tim 1:7). Jesus chose the twelve disciples the Father had given Him and then jealously guarded them from the evil one. Jesus sent His disciples into the world where they experienced difficult and dangerous circumstances, but He interceded on their behalf with His Father that they would have His strong protection from the evil one (John 17:15).
In the same way, Jesus said that we, as His sheep, are held securely in the Father's strong hand (John 10:28). There is no better place to be than safely in the hand of almighty God. Do you believe this, or are you fearful of what Satan or people can do to you? The apostle John encourages us that we do not need to fear: "He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world" (1 John 4:4). This is not merely a theological concept but a profound reality in which you can have absolute confidence. It is not just a truth for meditation in the security of your home; it is a promise you can cling to in the midst of a hostile and menacing world.
What you do reveals what you believe. If you are living a fearful, anxiety-filled life, you are proving your lack of confidence in God's protection, regardless of what you may say. Live your life with confidence that Jesus is continually interceding with the Father on your behalf. If you trust Him completely, you will have nothing to fear.
" Experiencing God", Henry T Blackaby and Richard Blackaby

I was then reminded of the final verses in Psalm 91. Words that have been stuck in my head for weeks now, it seems, thank you to my husband Brad.
"Because he loves me", says the Lord, "I will rescue him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91:14-16
Just to let you see through this little window of mine, I have been struggling with a HUGE sense of anxiousness and worry. Stress has become my emotion in the past few months. My brother, Chris, has sent me a few emails from God's Daily Word Ministries (so well written) that have directly pertained to prayer and faith. My problem has been the lack of both. Therefore, I believe, I have been fearful. I'm scared of everything it seems. I'm scared that my husband will get hurt while traveling, I'm scared we may have to move one day and I won't want to, I'm scared of future financial situations, I'm scared to have a family because I'm worried I'll be a failure, I'm scared that I may be losing friends, and the list can go on. I'm not called to live a life in worry. Brad told me that when I live this way, I might as well tell God that He's not good enough. Which, in my mind isn't the issue, it's me. I'M not good enough. But I take my life in my own hands, and knowing how flawed I am doesn't make me feel better. I've obviously lost my mind and have replaced it with nothing else. I should replace it with His word. I do read the scriptures. I do pray, I do listen intently to weekly teachings and further discuss them with my husband and friends. But, there's something deeper that seems to have weakened. Maybe it's just life circumstances, and I've let myself go unchecked.
Obviously I've learned a great lesson. Just because it comes from a simple, short devotion, doesn't mean it cannot leave a lasting impact. Sometimes we get to a point where it only takes one line, one verse, one thought to get us on the correct path.
In view of all things God has promised us, why do I allow myself to worry?


God is good. He will always be good.